There is nothing like emotional eating while watching a British soap opera. Yes, America. You have been watching a British soap opera full of gorgeous costumes, witty retorts, and a lot of death. Get over it and get fat. It is, after all, what we do best.
For our season 3 finale nosh, Joshua and…
I have a list of things that I wish adults would stop saying. This list grows and changes on an almost daily basis. Today, this is what I think adults need to stop saying. *Please note that I have said all of these things in the past week. I am just as guilty and shitty.*
1- “Happy Friday!” - We get it. The work week is a bust and no one likes it. But Friday comes weekly and very rapidly each week if you think about it. It’s not a birthday, it’s not a holiday. I propose we save “happy” for the following: birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, July 4th, St. Patrick’s Day, anniversaries, and perhaps Flag Day.
2- “Try and stay warm/dry.”- Ah, my favorite! Referencing the weather is just the best! Nothing says, “I feel the need to hear the sound of my own voice and you should be just as lucky” quite like talking about the weather. What do I look like to you? Do I seem like the type of person who wouldn’t enjoy comfort? Of course I am going to try and do my best to combat extreme weather conditions. I like being warm and dry because I am human and it is quite nice.
3- “Christmas ads already?”- Yes. This happens annually. It should not come as a surprise or a punch to the gut. You know what? If you don’t have money to buy hoards of gifts over the holidays, then fucking don’t. No one is telling you that you have to unless you have kids, and I’m pretty sure that retailers didn’t tell you to breed, so you can just cut the crap right there. I mean, you’re an adult right? Obviously, because you’ve just wasted three or five seconds of your life complaining about how Christmas is here again which is something only a person over the age of twenty-five would do. And, for the record, it does not come faster and faster and the years are not passing more swiftly, you’re just dying. I hope this helps put things into perspective. Enjoy some holiday cheer.
4- “Somebody’s not happy.”- People with the ability to form words with their mouths love saying this when they hear a stranger’s baby cry. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know why it happens, but it’s so fucking annoying that it damn near sends me into a homicidal rage. If that baby had the ability to talk and roll its eyes at you and grasp the concept of biting sarcasm, I cannot imagine the earful you would receive for making this ridiculous comment. Of COURSE the child isn’t happy. It probably just had to shit itself and does not yet have the ability to say, “Ah, hell. I just shit myself. This is uncomfortable and I have little dexterity. Could someone please do me a solid and aid in the clean-up process? Sorry, bro. I really appreciate this.” People who say this when they hear a baby cry should be forced to wallow in their own fecal matter for an entire day. Why am I not a lawmaker?
5-“Just trying to enjoy our last nice day before winter.”- Are you kidding me with this? Why do you start saying this two weeks before Labor Day? I know winters in the Midwest suck and people in the South think their winters suck as well because they’ve never spent one in the Midwest so they don’t know how bad it can get but, really? When winter comes, put on a damn coat and just cuddle or some shit, I don’t know. It’s not that bad and will not kill you. I think you’ll power through, Debbie Downer. Don’t get me started on summer though. Summer can suck it.
6- “Oh, heeeeey! It’s so good to see you. How are things? What’s been going on?” - Just can it, okay? Odds are a lot has been happening with me, same as with you. Or not, perhaps. It doesn’t matter. Neither one of us cares about the boring ins and outs of our respective days, nor are we ignorant to the purpose this particular device serves- you want me to ask what’s been going on with you so you can brag about your job, recent marriage, recent divorce, baby, promotion, cruise, substance abuse recovery, you name it. But, I don’t need to hear that from your mouth. That’s what Facebook is for.
Notice how I do not enjoy small talk? Say something, anything that means anything, and I’ll be sure to half listen. Otherwise, no thank you.