Banana Flavored Candy...

Your Dirty Laundry is Repulsive

Headline News is infuriating me and causing me to express myself via the interwebs. Sometimes this happens. The subject this evening—-Jon and Kate. So…I’ve written them a letter that they will never read.

Here’s the deal. You had me with your twins, and your six babies, and your cute little reality show. I watched, I ooh-ed, I ahh-ed, the whole deal. However, I find the drama surrounding your split disgusting. It was interesting to watch a large family function on television for a moment or two. What’s not interesting is seeing that family fall apart and all of the BS that comes with that. It is sad. It is depressing. But, I do not feel sorry for you as much as I do your children.

As a product of, not one, not two, but three divorces, I can tell you right now that the pain you are going through cannot even amount to the confusion that surrounds your children. The constant interviews and media circus that follows your every move (because of your doing) cannot help matters at all. By now, I’m sure every child in your childrens’ school knows them. They are famous. And those kids know who the Gosselin kids’ parents are too. They see you on television. It is one thing to walk into school every day a well-known and famous child. It is also one thing to be that kid whose parents are divorcing. Imagine having all that drama unfold in front of the world.

You want to do right by your kids? You want to shield them from pain? Stop doing interviews. Just stop. No one could possibly be interested in anything you have to say at this point. We’ve heard it all. Not to mention the fact that you are not the first two people on the planet to go through a split. I’m assuming that you are aware of the divorce rate in America these days. You are a statistic. I’m not trying to downplay your pain in any way, but you are doing yourself no favors by parading that pain on national television. Instead, you should shut your mouths. This should be your family’s business, not the world’s. If you love your children, and clearly you do because you wanted them so badly you went through the fertility treatments which enabled you to produce the entire brood, then you should stop giving “exclusive” interviews. Keeping your face in the media is not helping your children, it is harming them. And it’s making the rest of us ill.

And, if I were able to talk to the collective media, I would implore them to just stop covering these people and talking about them as if their drama is real news. Jon and Kate need to take a vacation from the spotlight for a minute and get their shit together. I’m sure no one would miss them in the slightest.

Yippee for blogging.

Why?

If you’re wanting tickets to a comedy show and you have two options—-either calling the box office yourself

or

having your daughter call the box office while you shout out questions for her to ask, spout out your credit card information so the ticket seller has to hear everything twice (once muffled, once clear)

then you should probably opt for choice #1.

Why do you need a middle man for your ticket purchase? If you can speak, this just makes absolutely no sense.

Halloween is stupid, ladies

It really shouldn’t be.

But you make it so.

This is upsetting me, as a female and as a Ghostbusters fan.

http://www.buycostumes.com/Secret-Wishes-Ghostbuster-Sexy-Adult-Costume/31456/ProductDetail.aspx?REF=SCE-bizrate

Peevin'

Here’s Monday’s pet peeves.

1- Street cleaning. Why must you clean so many streets at once when you just cleaned them last week? Where are people supposed to park?!

2- Traffic jams that are not caused by accidents.

3- Married couples who talk to one another on Facebook all day. Not needed.

4- Customers who share way too much info when calling in, i.e. “It’s my boyfriend’s birthday,” “…my husband has every 6th saturday off,” …

5- Jon and Kate

6- People who continue to say “Hello. Hello? Are you there?” for five minutes even after they’ve realized their cell phone call has been dropped. Get with it.

Count it!

Alright, public.

It is 2009. We have cellular devices which enable us to store so much information, they have nearly rendered us stupid, and we are de-evolving. That’s the bad news.

The good news is that the only numbers you need to commit to memory these days are:

1) Your social security number.
2) Your OWN phone number.

The comment “Well, I don’t know my number, because I never call myself,” should never be uttered for it is absurd. That’s the only number you should know. How else will you give out said number to family, friends, creditors, etc.?  You simply need to memorize that one. It’s important. You can even get away with not memorizing your home address these days, but the cell phone number is crucial.

Here is what you need not bother with committing to memory…

Your credit card number. It’s senseless, really. And it’s a waste of time, because you never get it right! You’re always going to say “two” when it’s really supposed to be a “three,” your card number will come back on your order as “invalid” and when I tell you this, you will huff and puff as you go through the arduous task of getting that pesky piece of plastic out of that cumbersome wallet and you’ll actually have to read the imprinted numbers aloud. Such a shame, really. We could have saved valuable time and energy if you’d tried to memorize a ten-digit phone number as opposed to a 16-digit credit card number.

But then you need a pen and a paper to retain a six-digit confirmation code.

And also you’re driving at the time.
(well, by the way…)

Humans, you are bonkers.

**P.s.  Yes. When I ask for your credit card number, I need the whole number on the front of the card, please.

NOgurt!

It began, if I remember it correctly, with the invention of a vile marketing scheme for a product known as “Go-Gurt.” This stuff:

Looks appetizing, doesn’t it?! The idea Yoplait had was that kids can eat this yogurt on the go, without a utensil. Just suck the gooey goodness from a plastic tube. Because, kids have so many important things to get to on a daily basis, they simply do not have time to eat yogurt with a spoon—the way it was intended to be consumed.

Good idea! Especially good when you put Shrek’s ugly mug on the packaging. I mean, he’s green…and green things are healthy…so, if you utilize him appropriately, he can make anything seem tasty and good for you, right?

Go-Gurt comes in flavors such as, Strawberry Splash, Blueberry Bubblegum Bash (What the fuck?), Cool Cotton Candy, and some limited edition flavors that are not described on the product’s Wikipedia page, but were marketed to promote the release of The Dark Knight.

Gross.

Then came Jamie Lee Curtis and her Activia commercials. You know about these…

 Now. The last thing in the world I want to hear about is a celebrity’s regularity. It’s unnecessary, really. You are marketing poop yogurt. The commercials alone made me squirm. When I moved in with a roommate in Vegas and she actually bought the stuff, I nearly lost it! (No, shit! An Activia ad featuring Curtis talking about previous ads just aired as I typed this.) Due to the fact that you talk about the digestive advantages of this product in the commercials, everyone at the supermarket knows why this shit (no pun intended) is in your cart. Congrats! You’ve gone public about your bowel issues.

Then there was the yogurt commercial where the chick finds the flavor so irresistible, she must suck the tiny yogurt carton clean while walking through the dairy aisle. Then, she daintily wipes her mouth, makes sure no one’s looking, and continues to shop. Once again, we are depicting human beings consuming this stuff with no spoon. Don’t ask me why it’s disturbing, it just is. Period. You’ve just sucked down a carton of the bacterial fermentation of milk. Be civilized about it, please.

And, then, there’s Yoplait’s pink lids to fight against breast cancer.

I love it. It’s a wonderful idea, though the ad that ran for Yoplait this morning showed three separate women licking yogurt off the backs of these lids. Now, don’t ask me why that is gross, but…would you want to work for Yoplait and have the task opening hundreds of envelopes containing countless numbers of licked yogurt lids? Think of the germs you’re clutching. Those three ladies combined with the old woman who filled an envelope to the brim, then licked the seal, I’m sorry, but there is just too much licking in that commercial.

I’m going on a yogurt strike, I believe. I have reached my breaking point.

Stupid Headlines

Natasha Richardson’s Family Will Never Forget Her
source: People.com

Well, why would they? First of all, she just passed away six months ago, so unless your short term memory is shot all to hell, of course you remember. Secondly…she was her FAMILY! They aren’t heartless! It is very atypical for a family to just write off a loved one after their dead.

“Oh, mom? Who’s mom?”

Definition

first date (n.)— In most cases, an instance in which two individuals who do not know one other very well spend several hours sharing a meal and awkward conversation with the understanding that, at least one of those people will want to put their mouth on the other one by the end of the evening.

see also: classy whoring