NOgurt!
It began, if I remember it correctly, with the invention of a vile marketing scheme for a product known as “Go-Gurt.” This stuff:
Looks appetizing, doesn’t it?! The idea Yoplait had was that kids can eat this yogurt on the go, without a utensil. Just suck the gooey goodness from a plastic tube. Because, kids have so many important things to get to on a daily basis, they simply do not have time to eat yogurt with a spoon—the way it was intended to be consumed.
Good idea! Especially good when you put Shrek’s ugly mug on the packaging. I mean, he’s green…and green things are healthy…so, if you utilize him appropriately, he can make anything seem tasty and good for you, right?
Go-Gurt comes in flavors such as, Strawberry Splash, Blueberry Bubblegum Bash (What the fuck?), Cool Cotton Candy, and some limited edition flavors that are not described on the product’s Wikipedia page, but were marketed to promote the release of The Dark Knight.
Gross.
Then came Jamie Lee Curtis and her Activia commercials. You know about these…
Now. The last thing in the world I want to hear about is a celebrity’s regularity. It’s unnecessary, really. You are marketing poop yogurt. The commercials alone made me squirm. When I moved in with a roommate in Vegas and she actually bought the stuff, I nearly lost it! (No, shit! An Activia ad featuring Curtis talking about previous ads just aired as I typed this.) Due to the fact that you talk about the digestive advantages of this product in the commercials, everyone at the supermarket knows why this shit (no pun intended) is in your cart. Congrats! You’ve gone public about your bowel issues.
Then there was the yogurt commercial where the chick finds the flavor so irresistible, she must suck the tiny yogurt carton clean while walking through the dairy aisle. Then, she daintily wipes her mouth, makes sure no one’s looking, and continues to shop. Once again, we are depicting human beings consuming this stuff with no spoon. Don’t ask me why it’s disturbing, it just is. Period. You’ve just sucked down a carton of the bacterial fermentation of milk. Be civilized about it, please.
And, then, there’s Yoplait’s pink lids to fight against breast cancer.
I love it. It’s a wonderful idea, though the ad that ran for Yoplait this morning showed three separate women licking yogurt off the backs of these lids. Now, don’t ask me why that is gross, but…would you want to work for Yoplait and have the task opening hundreds of envelopes containing countless numbers of licked yogurt lids? Think of the germs you’re clutching. Those three ladies combined with the old woman who filled an envelope to the brim, then licked the seal, I’m sorry, but there is just too much licking in that commercial.
I’m going on a yogurt strike, I believe. I have reached my breaking point.
2 months ago • 0 notes